Why do I make things so much harder than they have to be?

I do this constantly, in every freaking area of my life. Instead of doing things with the least amount of stress possible, I have to do them in such a way that it causes waayy more aggravation than is necessary. This morning for example; I had already decided to go to church and just bring Austin. The girls were going to a big Intel function with Son that we planned a long time ago. I was perfectly content knowing that I would only be taking Austin. Then, this morning, I started thinking, wow, I could get so much done if we stayed home. We've just recently gotten Austin to stay in the nursery and not cry for the entire 2 hours. He's not thrilled, but he is not a neurotic mess anymore; that's exponential progress. So I tortured myself for almost 2 hours, having this huge internal battle about whether I should go or stay home. Then, when I decided to go, I had to rush around like a maniac to get ready. Totally unnecessary stress.

For years, I've dealt with anxiety attacks when I go to certain places- large stores and other indoor buildings for example. Instead of avoiding those places, I convince myself to go, and wham! anxiety attack. Why the f@ck can I not just make things easier and avoid those places? It's not like I have so much free time on my hands that I should be experimenting to see if it's going to happen AGAIN, then try to pull it together so that my kids don't notice anything strange, and go to another store, etc. to finish whatever I need to do.

I keep thinking about my friend Adria, whose daughter I blogged about a few days ago, and how hard her life must be right now. The fact that she has 8 children means that, on any given day, her life is exponentially more difficult than mine. Even having 3 with a stomach virus is easier than having to make and serve dinner for 8 kids, I'm sure of it. But now that her toddler is battling for her life, I cannot imagine how much more difficult her life is than it's ever been. I wonder if she was chosen to bear this burden because she's so much better at coping with life's little difficulties better than, say, me.

I owe Adria something very valuable; when Austin was 6wks old, she came to Albuquerque to visit me. I think her twins were maybe only 6wks older than Austin, and she brought one of them with her. I was struggling so much- Austin had horrible reflux (I have Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease, as well as stomach ulcers and a hiatal hernia and watching him suffer through something that I knew the pain of was heartbreaking) and I was trying to make huge changes to my diet, and deal with a horribly unhappy baby, along with a 3yo and a 5yo. As commited as I was to nursing him, thoughts of weaning at 6wks were strong in my mind. Adria wanted so badly to nurse her twins and had supply issues; I know she would have done anything imaginable to give her babies human milk and she had every right to say, "You're a real moron Brandi. Stop being selfish and be grateful that you have enough milk for 2baby elephants, shut UP and nurse him!" But she didn't. In her very non-confrontational way, she gently urged me to stick it out, reminding me that my milk was so much better than formula. Because of her visit and what she said (and more importantly, how she said it), I continued to nurse Austin for more than 2 years. There's no doubt in my mind that I would have found a way to justify weaning him and bottle feeding had she not come to visit, and helped me the way she did. I'm still so grateful to her for that.

I hope that my prayers for her daughter and their whole family contribute in some small way to the betterment of the hell they are all living right now. I'm sure Adria doesn't make things harder for herself than is necessary, like I do, but I'd so much like to make things easier for her right now.

Help an MDC mama's baby, just diagnosed with Leukemia

An MDC mama's 22mo old DD was diagosed with Leukemia on Friday. I know this mama IRL and have had the privelege of meeting 6 of her 8 children. They are a wonderful family.

I cannot imagine the hell that she and her DH and especially baby Serenity are going through. We can send our support in the form of prayers, positive thoughts and any Paypal that you can spare. The money goes directly into this mama's Paypal account. Let's ease what we can of this horrible burden.

www.liftingupserenity.com

Sometimes I just want to smack people. I am a car seat fanatic, always have been. Child passenger safety is a big deal to me. More children die every year of injuries sustained in car accidents than any other cause in the USA. 8 out of 10 child car seats are installed improperly; this can lead to injury or death in the event of a a collision. After finding a great message board, http://www.car-seat.org/, I was in heaven. Finally, a group of like-minded individuals who obsess about their car seat choices, and want to learn as much as possible about child passenger safety. But some of their other choices make me want to throw up. Many of them formula-feed by choice; now I can understand using formula if you have to- and I mean HAVE TO- because of a medical condition, etc. But just "not wanting" to nurse your baby is NOT an acceptable reason not to breastfeed. It's been proven, time and time again, that breastmilk is best for babies. It makes me sick that some women just decide to formula-feed, because of whatever selfish personal reason they come up with.A bunch of the people on the car seat board also practice routine infant circumcision. The forceful mutilation of a newborn baby boy makes me want to physically hurt these parents. Seriously. Are they all really that ignorant? It's been proven that there is no physical reason to circ- not hygiene, no lesser chance of UTIs, etc. And yet these morons allow someone to physically brutalize their perfect, helpless baby boy. Some of them even admit that they had it done so that little Junior will "look like Daddy". Let's just hope that Junior doesn't turn out to be a stupid as Daddy.

It would be nice to find a place online to hang out where I fit in better. I had a place like that, a few years ago. But like I tell my kids, bad choices mean bad consequences. It works the same way for adults, too.

School is finally out for the summer and I am SO freaking relieved. This year was really hard. Kaylee had a less-than-stellar regular ed. teacher and that was a struggle for both of us. Next year should be better, according to her gifted teacher. I absolutely love the preschool where my kids have gone for a total of 5 years now, but man, it's high-maintenance. Luckily the director is one of my best friends and I have gotten out of a lot of mandatory duties over the years, but the time commitment has been huge, nonetheless. It's so nice to know that I don't have to get the girls ready for school, pack a lunch, nag Kaylee to work on homework, and rush around like a crazy woman in the morning. This summer is going to be more structured than last- the kids mostly watched TV and fought last year- and I tried to get away from them by being online. My game plan is to have a much more structured schedule this year. We are doing some homeschool, walking the dogs, and cleaning/decluttering every day. Plus fitting Nana in 4 days per week, and playing with our good friends Mattie and Pierce. The kids need more exercise and so do I. And so do the dogs, but I'm not sure how it's going to work- me holding onto the 2 dogs (one is 150lbs and an obnoxious adolescent puppy, and the other is an 11lb adult who is a dream to walk) and the 3 kids walking along with me. I really really prefer to walk the dogs by myself; it's like working out- I don't like anyone bothering me while I'm doing it. But like every other thing in my life, I have to adapt it to the fact that I have 3 children. Some things are easier than others to adapt, and some things I mind more than others.

My 8 year old is set to get baptized in June. In the LDS church, baptism is a big deal. Most kids automatically do it when they turn 8, it's just sort of expected. Our background is a bit different- I joined the church almost 5 years ago and am the only member in our family. She decided on her own (with encouragement from me and several non-family members), and we're in the planning stages. I still struggle with a lot of things about the church. There are times when I think that another church would better meet our needs. Then I feel a strong pull back towards the LDS faith, and resolve to be stronger in my efforts to make this church work for me. For the life of me, I cannot get past the no drinking coffee, tea or alcohol. Honestly, I really don't think God cares if I have a Starbucks White Chocolate Mocha Latte, or a glass of Arizona Iced Tea, or a frozen margarita. Sure, anything in excess is bad. But in moderation? Seriously, I just don't buy into it. I'm still working on that one. And the temple- well, I haven't had a desire to go back, and it's been over a year since I went last, which was the 2nd time I've gone since I received my Endowments. But I'm pretty much okay with that. I'm trying to be a good example for my kids; we make it to church most Sundays (try and get 3 kids ages 8,5 and 3 ready for church by yourself- including packing a bag that will hold enough nourishment and entertainment for 3 hours) because I feel that it is the right thing to do. But lots of Sundays I get there without having felt the Spirit once. But we'll keep going because in my heart, I know it's the right place for us to be. Doesn't mean I won't bitch about it, or argue with myself over whether we should go or stay home and clean house, or watch movies all morning).

We had more idiots come into the clinic this morning than in the past 2 months combined. I'm a vet tech and work on Saturday mornings at a small animal practice. I love my job. I really really love my job. Sometimes I hate the clients, but I always love my job. We had a woman come in today with a chow mix who was about 50lbs, and very near death. He was covered in mats, open, oozing pressure sores, feces, and urine. He was absolutely filty and undeniably neglected. Oh, and wet. The woman obviously felt guilty about how bad the dog looked and smelled and hosed him off with cold water before she brought him in. So he was also cold and even more miserable than necessary. She wanted him euthanized, which was a blessing for this dog. I wasn't nice to her. Not even very professional, which I almost always manage to be. But today, looking at that dog, I just couldn't muster any positive feelings toward her at all. And I charged her extra. If the dog had been well taken care of, I would have charged her for the euthanasia and the cost price for the cremation. Instead, I charged her $48.50 for an exam and an extra $50 for the cremation. That dog paid the price for her being an asshole, so I felt that it was only right for her to pay something, too. We had another dog come in that was horribly matted and dirty- his owner insisted that he gets groomed and shaved every 6 months. Yeah. Right. I've been doing this for 13 years, please don't blatantly lie and expect me to be too dumb to figure it out. Be honest and admit to being a horrible animal owner. Grab whatever is between your legs and man up. You're not fooling anyone.

Whew, I feel better! Obviously I needed to vent a bit. Now I can give the kids a bath and get them in bed- Son is home tomorrow for 3 days and boy am I ready to have some help around here! I love my kids more than anything, but doing it by myself, 24/7, 4-5 days a week is hard.

Evaluate what you've learned and apply it....

Two of my favorite movie quotes of all time came from Top Gun. The first was, "Remember Boys, There's No Points For Second Place". If there was ever a Brandi-Mantra, that would pretty much be it. The other is, "A good pilot is compelled to evaluate what's happened, so he can apply what he's learned". I've found that idea to be invaluable. My best friend from high school and I were talking about that quote just a few days ago. It runs through both of our heads on a regular basis. Making mistakes is inevitable; it's what we do with the information from those mistakes that counts.