Why do I make things so much harder than they have to be?

I do this constantly, in every freaking area of my life. Instead of doing things with the least amount of stress possible, I have to do them in such a way that it causes waayy more aggravation than is necessary. This morning for example; I had already decided to go to church and just bring Austin. The girls were going to a big Intel function with Son that we planned a long time ago. I was perfectly content knowing that I would only be taking Austin. Then, this morning, I started thinking, wow, I could get so much done if we stayed home. We've just recently gotten Austin to stay in the nursery and not cry for the entire 2 hours. He's not thrilled, but he is not a neurotic mess anymore; that's exponential progress. So I tortured myself for almost 2 hours, having this huge internal battle about whether I should go or stay home. Then, when I decided to go, I had to rush around like a maniac to get ready. Totally unnecessary stress.

For years, I've dealt with anxiety attacks when I go to certain places- large stores and other indoor buildings for example. Instead of avoiding those places, I convince myself to go, and wham! anxiety attack. Why the f@ck can I not just make things easier and avoid those places? It's not like I have so much free time on my hands that I should be experimenting to see if it's going to happen AGAIN, then try to pull it together so that my kids don't notice anything strange, and go to another store, etc. to finish whatever I need to do.

I keep thinking about my friend Adria, whose daughter I blogged about a few days ago, and how hard her life must be right now. The fact that she has 8 children means that, on any given day, her life is exponentially more difficult than mine. Even having 3 with a stomach virus is easier than having to make and serve dinner for 8 kids, I'm sure of it. But now that her toddler is battling for her life, I cannot imagine how much more difficult her life is than it's ever been. I wonder if she was chosen to bear this burden because she's so much better at coping with life's little difficulties better than, say, me.

I owe Adria something very valuable; when Austin was 6wks old, she came to Albuquerque to visit me. I think her twins were maybe only 6wks older than Austin, and she brought one of them with her. I was struggling so much- Austin had horrible reflux (I have Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease, as well as stomach ulcers and a hiatal hernia and watching him suffer through something that I knew the pain of was heartbreaking) and I was trying to make huge changes to my diet, and deal with a horribly unhappy baby, along with a 3yo and a 5yo. As commited as I was to nursing him, thoughts of weaning at 6wks were strong in my mind. Adria wanted so badly to nurse her twins and had supply issues; I know she would have done anything imaginable to give her babies human milk and she had every right to say, "You're a real moron Brandi. Stop being selfish and be grateful that you have enough milk for 2baby elephants, shut UP and nurse him!" But she didn't. In her very non-confrontational way, she gently urged me to stick it out, reminding me that my milk was so much better than formula. Because of her visit and what she said (and more importantly, how she said it), I continued to nurse Austin for more than 2 years. There's no doubt in my mind that I would have found a way to justify weaning him and bottle feeding had she not come to visit, and helped me the way she did. I'm still so grateful to her for that.

I hope that my prayers for her daughter and their whole family contribute in some small way to the betterment of the hell they are all living right now. I'm sure Adria doesn't make things harder for herself than is necessary, like I do, but I'd so much like to make things easier for her right now.